November 6th, 2012.
Laurie Penny holds Molly Crabapple’s kitty, who has demands.
How To Dress For A Police Riot
If you’re going into an environment where you are likely to encounter hostile police forces, it’s best to be prepared.
- Wear comfortable clothing that won’t inhibit your movement. You may need to run from aggressive police.
- Wear boots or shoes that cannot be ripped off your feet easily. The police sometimes try to snatch these off to make it harder for their victims to get away. Dirty trick, really.
- Wear a white or light colored shirt. This may seem at odds with the dominant activist dress code of all black, but if the police beat you up, your blood will photograph much more dramatically on light clothing. Your lawyer will thank you.
- Carry a hanky. Not only are they quite dapper, a hanky can be doused in vinegar and carried in a ziplock baggie. You’ll be able to breath through it when the police teargas you.
- Bring a bandana. Tied around your neck, it will keep some of the chemical weapons which police spray on you off of delicate skin. You can fold your bandana to put over your phone as padding for when police hit your pockets with their batons as they try to break devices that can be used to record their actions. (Giant Eye sells Anonymous bandanas with lots of helpful information printed on them, but any bandana will do.)
- Write your lawyer’s phone number on the inside of your arm in permanent ink. The ACLU’s number is (212) 607-3300. The National Lawyer’s Guild number is (212) 679-5100.
- Wear clean cotton socks and underwear. If police arrest you, you will probably be in these for 2-3 days, unless you have a support system to bail you out. Actually, even if you have a support system to bail you out, the police may hold you hostage if you refuse to submit to their biometrics database.
- Don’t wear makeup or lotion. Chemical weapons like mace and pepper spray cling to these and are more easily washed off of bare skin.
- If you have your period, use pads or cups. Police will probably not provide arrestees with adequate facilities to change tampons before toxic shock sets in.
- Bring a goody bag. Fill a water bottle with 50/50 milk of magnesia and water. This is good for flushing your or your neighbor’s eyes when the police pepperspray you. Bring candy. If you are arrested, you will likely not be given food for a long while, if at all, and this can prevent dangerous drops in blood sugar.
This is for satirical purposes only. Be complacent, don’t resist arrest (even if those arrests are illegal) and do whatever the good officers politely instruct you to do. Jawohl.
She’s all like this.
He’s all like this.
The roommate’s cat got a summer haircut today.
Commence shaved pussy jokes in 3… 2… 1…
Rio the snake charmer, for Dr Sketchy’s NYC.